


A True Ace

by DivineVarod, themadmarchhare42



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Ace Rimmer - Freeform, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Awkward Sexual Situations, Caretaking, Declarations Of Love, Domestic Fluff, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Self-Hatred, Separation Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-12
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-08-30 10:14:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8529130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod, https://archiveofourown.org/users/themadmarchhare42/pseuds/themadmarchhare42
Summary: Arnold Rimmer has never been a sexual person and Dave Lister has never pushed him for more than he is comfortable with. But with their anniversary looming Rimmer's anxiety begins telling him he's not good enough for Lister. He decides to take drastic measures.





	

It was cold and dark in the ship’s library as Arnold J. Rimmer sat hunched over his books. It was three in the morning and the posse was sleeping. Rimmer longed for his bed too, but sleep was not on the cards right now. What he was doing had to be kept a secret from his husband at all costs.  
  
Rimmer rubbed his eyes and sighed wearily as he turned the page of the book in front of him, shuddering a little as he read. He really had to do _that_? He wasn't sure if he could stomach it, but he told himself, he had to. For Lister's sake.  
  
Lister would leave him soon, he just knew it. He had to be the worst partner in the world. With his anxiety at an all-time high he was clingy, needy and completely dependent on Lister to make it through each day. He wasn’t the strong partner Lister deserved.  
His last shard of credibility had crumpled when he'd finally admitted to suffering severe anxiety problems. He had tried to control them for a long time, but constant stress had made him reach breaking point. Lister had been his usual kind and understanding self, telling him to ease down on things and to just do what he wanted for a change. The rest had been much needed but, as his constant anxiety said, not deserved.  
He was incapable of doing what he wanted. All his life he’d tried to do what he thought was expected of him. Head up, shoulders back and obey the orders given.  
Right now he was desperately trying to do something he knew Lister was silently expecting of him.

But he just couldn’t do it. He’d tried, but he just couldn’t.

And that was where the guilt crept in.  
Guilt about who he was, how he was, who he should be.  
Guilt about letting Lister down in every way possible.  
And …  
Guilt about the two of them never having sex.

* * *

He was certain all loving relationships needed sex, it was basically what everyone went on about all the time. He’d never understood why his brothers were so obsessed with chasing girls as a child. The sounds that came from their rooms when they were “making out” made him nauseous. He would always run to his room to get away from all of that.

He thought it would be better back at boarding school, but all the boys changed when they were about twelve and suddenly every other night they’d be making strange noises in the darkness. This behaviour confused him, but he knew by now not to ask questions.  
It didn't matter: the others noticed soon enough that the “strange” young boy didn't develop at the pace the others did. He still cuddled his teddy at night, was focussed on his work and showed no interest in the porn magazines the other boys smuggled in. Once they’d realised, the boys who already bullied him upped the ante. Calling him a baby, a girl and ‘gay’. That last one stuck and soon the whole school called him “Faggy Rimmer”.  
His father heard and ordered him to come for ‘a chat’ with the head. Rimmer was lectured on the ‘sins of homosexuality’ followed by a corporal punishment that left him unable to sit without agony for a week. Shivering with pain and humiliation, Rimmer swore to himself this would never happen ever again.  
  
So Rimmer learned to adapt: Trying to fit in while still avoiding having to actually do ‘it’.  
Surrounded by sex starved horny men on Red Dwarf who actively bragged about their sexual conquests didn't help. Every shore leave they'd return talking about who they'd ‘shagged’ and chasing the few unlucky girls on the ship during their shifts. Rimmer listened, became nauseous and would have nothing to say. Sure, he'd try and make something up sometimes, but they'd see right through him. He tried to ‘educate’ himself about sex, buying a blow up doll while on shore-leave to see if it could help him ease his problems. In the end he called it Rachael and used it as a substitute for an actual person to talk to when he felt lonely, until Lister had joined the crew and had taken up the spare bunk. Those who found out about the doll thought he was a loser who needed a doll to shag with as he couldn't get someone real. Rimmer just let them think that, certain that it was better than the truth.  
The Celibacy society had come as a Godsend. Joining them gave him a legitimate reason not to be active. Still, he did disagree with a lot they had to say: he wasn't against love, he actually longed to be loved one day. And why did their comments about homosexuality sting so much? That had nothing to do with him, did it?  
In the end he was hurt so often, the comments about love started ringing true.  
  
Letters, his brothers girlfriends, his brothers wives, his brothers children, his parents praising them and mocking him. Rimmer felt empty and left out. He'd always been left out.  
  
In a desperate attempt to appear normal, Rimmer responded to a sexually charged Yvonne McGruder when she made advances at him in the lift. Rimmer was confused: Why would anyone want to come on to him? Then he remembered; she had concussion, was that why she wanted him?  
It might have been the reason, as she didn't even know his name! It is believed that _sexual_ desire _increases_ when someone has _concussion_. People who have had a _concussion_ may seem pre-occupied with sex, speak about sex at inappropriate times or demonstrate inappropriate _sexual_ behaviours. Stuck in that lift with Yvonne and shipmates egging him on Rimmer decided to go with her.  
It was the worst night of his life. The boxing champion had grabbed him, pressed him against a wall and he just let her do what she wanted, as he stood there, frozen and numb.  
He later told everyone what he thought they wanted to hear. Saying that he ‘gave her one’, talking and gesturing as he'd seen the other guys do. The reality was that halfway through the event he'd suffered a panic attack and Yvonne had stopped and tried to comfort him, given him a glass of water and a slice of pizza to calm him down. After that he’d cried in her arms for half an hour. Thankfully because of the concussion she'd forgotten all about the event hours later.  
  
But now there was Lister and Lister should receive all the love and soft warm things he wanted and deserved. In his manic panic Rimmer was determined that he could force himself to at least give him this. It was Lister, he wouldn't hurt him. He would find a way to be at least a fraction of the partner he needed and deserved.

* * *

Since getting together with Lister he’d managed to avoid anything more intrusive than snuggling, and was thankful Lister hadn’t demanded anything from him as of yet. Still, their anniversary was coming up in a few days. The anticipation of what that evening might entail was making his stomach churn, and had him lying awake for nights on end, leaving him tense and exhausted from the constant adrenaline.  
After a week of near-nightly panic attacks the Hologram had decided to grab the bull by the horns and had found some books in the crew’s lockers on the subject. He’d even tracked down Lister’s karma-sutra, but he’d practically dropped it after opening the first page. He would use his newfound knowledge as a surprise for Lister, and tonight he would start trying out some of the tutorial advice from the books.

* * *

He couldn't do it, he couldn't! Pale, nauseous and upset, Rimmer staggered back into the bunk-room at seven in the morning to curl up in his bunk and recover. He was grateful that he now at least could choose to stay in bed when he felt like it, he needed rest. Before he finally drifted off into a restless sleep he swore he would try again the next night, he would try for as long as it took.

* * *

Lister sighed heavily as he looked at the lump in the bottom bunk; it was past noon and Rimmer was still in bed. Even he had been up or at least two hours.  
Since Rimmer had confessed to not feeling too well a few days ago, and Lister had told him he didn't have to pretend for him the hologram had … well, the hologram had become kind of … _“lazy”_ , Lister felt.

“Come on, get up Rimmer.” Lister pulled the blanket away.  
“No … no horseradish today ...” Rimmer mumbled as he grabbed the blankets back and wrapped them around himself, never opening his eyes.  
“RIMMEH!! ARN!!” Lister wailed into his ear.  
“Hmm?” Rimmer almost woke, his eyes opening slowly and sleepily. “Lister?” He asked with a hoarse drowsy slur.  
“Arnold, it's almost two for smeg sake!!”  
“So?” Rimmer asked, while looking at him in clear surprise.  
“So …? You haven't done anything for days!”

Rimmer sat up, utter astonishment spread across his sleep worn face.  
“But … but you said I didn’t have to.”  
“You don't … but you’ve got to do _something_. You’ve been in bed for days.”  
“Now you know how I usually feel…” Rimmer snorted, but clearly couldn’t fight back the disappointment. “I’m sorry Listy, I just… really feel like sleeping.”  
Despite himself Lister’s heart melted a bit. Rimsy did look so adorably befuddled and … kind of disappointed. It was true, he'd told Rimmer to do what he really wanted do. He'd just never expected him to want to catch up on centuries of lack of sleep. _Aw, those eyes._  
He sat on the edge of the bed and put his hand on his knee. “Hey, sorry, of course you can do whatever the smeg you like. Sorry babe. It's just … it's kind of new to me having you be the one sleeping the day away.”  
“It's okay. I … I won't any-more. I'll set the alarm for six again, right now,” he began to sit up.  
“No!” Lister quickly grabbed his shoulders and felt they were tense with panic.

“But-”  
“No, I said no, Arnold. Damn.”  
Confused and still rather sleepy Rimmer sat back, frowning at him. “But … but what do you want me to do? I don't understand any-more ...” his voice shook.  
“Oh babe, it's not your fault. I don't even know what I want myself,” he admitted. He wondered why he'd been so stupid talking to Rimmer like that. His partner could be adorable but after his recent breakdown the slightest thing could throw him into an anxious panic for days. “I’m sorry, it's okay. Sleep as much as you want.”  
“No, you're right. Things have been boring, You've put up with so much from me. I need to be a better partner. I'm trying to be, I honestly am.”  
“Oh, hey”, Lister said softly, placing his hand on his partner's pale cheek and looking him in the eyes. Seeing dark circles underneath them he frowned.  
  
“Say, babe, if you're in bed all day now… why you look so tired?”  
A nostril flare, followed by a big blush, then Rimmer grabbed back his blankets to hide underneath them.  
“What … what do you mean? Why do you keep questioning me Dave. I could be planning a surprise for you and you could be ruining it by being so nosy.”  
Lister smiled, and gently stroked the lump underneath the duvet.  
“You got a surprise for me?”  
“Maybe … could be … no … well … it's our anniversary soon, isn't it?”  
“Hmm …”  
Lister frowned. He didn't know how to feel about this. Always thinking he wasn't good enough, Rimmer usually thought he had to go the extra mile where birthdays and anniversaries were concerned. His ideas and gifts were amazing, but they always ended in Rimmer being either physically or mentally hurt (or both). In many ways Lister felt his partner doing nothing but just be happy would be the best present he could possible get.  
He gently petted the Rimmer shaped form.  
“Whatever you're planning, just don't hurt yourself, okay babe?”  
From underneath the covers Rimmer groaned something that might have meant “yes”, but Lister made an internal memo to keep an eye on him.

* * *

The sound of someone throwing up violently and painfully startled Dave Lister awake.  
_Rimmer!_  
It was the third time that sound had woken him this week and Lister was becoming worried. Rimmer had never brought up feeling unwell and he knew his partner well enough to stay silent about personal issues. But if there was something wrong with him …?  
 A sudden thought startled him awake: what if this had to do with whatever unholy plan Rimmer had for their anniversary? It probably was and he'd better put a stop to it.  
  
When the sounds changed to muffled sobs Lister softly got out of his bunk and tiptoed to the toilet and froze.  
His partner was hunched over the toilet crying and retching, while several peeled bananas were scattered about the floor.  
“Arnold … what the smeg you doing?!” Lister exclaimed, staring at the mess so out of character for the Hologram.  
Rimmer flinched, then started to shake. Lister's heart melted seeing how fragile the Hologram looked crouched on the floor in his pajamas his curls still tousled from sleep. He quickly sprang into action. He got a glass of water and wet a flannel then sat himself on the floor next to his partner. Softly he wiped his face and let him drink. Then he waited till Rimmer got his bearings and begun breathing normally again.  
“Now Arn … could you please tell me what the smeg you were trying to do …?”  
  
Rimmer blushed and slightly cringed, Lister begun to softly massage the Holograms back, knowing this always calmed him.  
“Anniversary present … Dave … you've made me so happy so I want you to be happy too.”  
“So you decide to choke yourself with a banana? I must say I've had better gifts …”  
Rimmer looked at him, not getting the joke. In fact he looked ready to burst into tears again.  
“I'm sorry …” Rimmer's voice trembled.  
Lister bit his lip, unsure how to respond. His partner being so emotional lately was difficult for him.  
“Arn, luv, please tell me what you were doing.”  
“I … I was practising …” The Hologram whispered hoarsely.  
“Practising…?” Lister stared down at the banana peels and put two and two together. “Arn, what-”  
“I was practising for you,” Rimmer muttered almost embarrassed.  
“Smeg, Arnold … what?” Lister still couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  
  
Rimmer closed his eyes and bowed his head in resignation, taking a breath. “Dave. I'm…I was just trying to- I know you like sex and…we never… and it’s our anniversary…and I found these books in the library. They said you should practise on a banana … but I just can't … I'm so sorry.”  
Lister sighed and pulled Rimmer closer to him, wrapping arms round his shoulders.  
“You stupid smeghead,” he rested his chin on the top of his head. Rimmer would have normally complained about messing up his hair, but right now in the middle of the night it didn’t matter. “Why would you do this to yerself? You promised me you wouldn't do anything that could hurt you.”  
Rimmer choked back a sob “Why do you even want me, Dave?” he croaked. “I'm useless to you!”  
“Hey, now, don't talk like that. I don't want you doing anything you don't want to do, you had enough shit from your family to cover that. You should have come to me if you were worried.”  
“But… sex should be a normal thing for people, shouldn't it?”  
“Not for everyone Arnie. I know, that's why I never pushed you.”  
A few soft sniffles against his chest before Rimmer answered.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Crap, if anyone deserved to grow up in a regular open minded household it should have been you,” Lister muttered, wiping his face in disbelief. “Look, babe have you ever heard about … asexuality?”  
  
Rimmer frowned, memories of science class drifting from the back of his mind “…that's something with plants, right?”  
Lister snorted, no wonder he was always failing exams “It means you don’t get sexual feelings towards people. It is just something within you, you are born that way. You can fall in love, but you just don’t think of anyone in _that_ way. Some people don't really mind sexuality as a concept and others feel scared or repulsed. They don't want sex. I always thought that was you.”  
“Why would you think that?” Rimmer frowned.  
“Well, you were always so awkward about sex, even Rachel’s obviously never been... used. Well, not by you anyway. And you once told me you were never highly sexed, remember? Back when we were marooned?”  
Rimmer had stopped crying a few minutes back and was now sitting, breathing steadily to keep his calm, looking at Lister in utter disbelief. What was the idiot going on about? Asexual… He’d never…

* * *

Arnold Rimmer was aware of Lister helping him up and guiding him slowly back to the bunkroom where he sat him on the edge of the bed, but he was still thinking.

It was eye-opening, all those years of confusion and repulsion finally making sense. There were a few people he’d bragged about, like McGruder and Fiona Carrington. Even his cousin, before that… incident with uncle Frank. But it was all big talk, most of his reminiscing usually was. Even that risk game against the camp councilor, he’d lost.

He’d always been a freak, an outsider, an outcast and the lack of understanding about sexuality was just one of a thousand hurdles that had always stood in his way.

“Yeah, unfeeling heart,” He snorted. “Sounds like me.”  
“Oi, you quit that,” Lister jostled him. “If there’s one thing about you, you feel _way_ too much for that to be true mate, you goddamn neurotic.”

Rimmer let out a breathy laugh.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Lister reassured him. “An ex-girlfriend of mine on earth was ace as well.”  
“Ace?” Rimmer perked up at the familiar name.  
“Yes, it’s like the… ‘cool’ name for asexuals. Ace.”  
After a second Rimmer's confused face changed as his eyes brightened and then he begun to snort with laughter, trying to contain it but only ended up giggling into his hand in semi-hysterics.  
“Hey, gonna let me in on the joke here?” Lister asked, surprised at his partners sudden mood swing.  
“I can't believe you aren't getting it!” Rimmer wheezed, a grin plastering itself over his face.  
“What?”  
“ACE! I'm Ace!”  
“Smeggin’ ‘ell!” Lister spluttered, the joke suddenly clicking. For a while the two just sat in the bunk together, laughing, then as the laughter faded they just sat in silence. After a moment Lister looked over and grinned at his partner. “So you were the real Ace all along?” Rimmer looked back, raising a cheeky eyebrow.  
“I wonder if that smug git ever knew... Some of them must have,” he mused. “Well … at least I lived up to it…”  
  
“You mean … even as Ace you didn’t…?”  
“Never,” Rimmer shook his head, recalling the many thousands of times he’d been beckoned and propositioned by countless attractive girls, and even some guys, whatever the planet’s policies. He’d always waved them off with a mask of modesty, often to disappointment. A couple of times he’d nearly been forced, by custom or down some back alley, but he’d always managed to scramble and get away. He’d scrubbed himself clean on those occasions.  
  
“How about on that ship, you really seemed like…?”  
“The Holoship?”  
“Yeah,” Lister frowned.  
“On the ship sex was … mandatory, remember?” Rimmer muttered, feeling embarrassed.  
“Yeah?”  
“…And you know what I’m like about following orders Lister…” He added darkly.  
“You mean you were-”  
“No!” Rimmer cut in. “No. But there was something strange, like the atmosphere or the programming of the light bees or…”  
“Wha? You mean the ship produces some kind of holo-viagra or something?”

“You could say that, yes. I've never told you but … I was _scared,_ Listy. She was sweet but really insistent. But then… oh God! Suddenly I was up and performing! I was so proud, I thought I was finally ‘normal’! But then later I doubted those feelings had ever been mine, they probably weren’t. Some glitch in the program.”  
“I … I don't know Arn, it sounds rather dubious to me,” Lister said. He’d always found hologram rights and the coding loopholes that people wrote into them to be dodgy as hell, forcing things into their personality to fit their tastes. It was why he’d never ‘fixed’ Rimmer even during their most heated arguments, because he wouldn’t want anyone messing around with _his_ head just because they didn’t like him or agreed with him.  
“It doesn’t matter,” Rimmer shook his head. “I got Holly to dull some of the memories for me when I came back, so they didn’t cause…” he motioned towards the bathroom where they’d come from.

“What about with Lisa Yates?”

Rimmer shook his head. “Wasn’t real… but I did feel…” he paused, searching for the memories of remembering the deleted memories that was Lister’s misjudged present. “…what you did when you loved her. The fact that for a while I believed that I had made love with her so easily, so fully without doubt and question, it was strange but I didn’t want to doubt it. Then when finding out it wasn't true... knowing how free and happy _you_ could be…”

“Ah…” Lister croaked. “Smeg, babe I really messed you up then, didn't I?” It was his one moment of editing, the one time he’d tried to help the Hologram. But it hadn’t been for his benefit, so it hadn’t seemed bad… until it had backfired so very badly.  
“I'm so sorry, Listy…” he rested his forehead against Lister’s shoulder. “Why do I always mess everything up?”  
“Hey, I love you for even trying, okay?” Lister reassured him.  
“I just know this isn't what you expected from life.”  
“What?” Lister laughed. “Sitting at four in the morning cradling an upset 800-year-old Hologram? Nope, not really. But that’s not what we’re talking about,” he re-shifted to face Rimmer a little better. “You know: We can love each other without sex babe. What do you like Rimsy? Maybe we should continue with that?”  
“That's easy,” Rimmer chuckled nervously as he started to blush.  
“Come on then, what?”  
  
“I… like being in your arms,” Rimmer admitted with embarrassment. “…when you hold me really tight. I've never felt more safe than when I'm with you like that.”  
“I can get on board with that, Arnold. I like that too.”  
“I like talking to each-other in bed. I like it when you hold my hand and whisper in my ear. I like sharing things with you, reading to you. I like looking in your eyes. I … I _love_ _you_.”  
Hearing Rimmer say this so gently, without thinking or embarrassment Lister knew that no amount of sex could ever make him feel as loved as his Hologram's utter devotion could.  
"Oh Arnie ..." He whispered softly.

Leaning on Lister Rimmer yawned wearily.  
“I love falling asleep with my head on your shoulder. Makes me feel secure, knowing you're here.”  
Lister softly kissed his cheek again.  
“Then we'll start with that, eh, looks like you could do with some more sleep.”  
“Think so too.”  
Lister shook his head, here he'd been thinking Rimmer was lazing in bed all day when in reality the poor man had clearly barely slept a wink in the last few days. Adding his constant panic to that his partner had to be completely exhausted. He wished Rimmer would allow himself to feel safe with him, understand that he didn't want anything from him except love him. He turned to face him again. Rimmer, who'd been close to nodding off on Lister's shoulder lifted his tired head unwillingly.  
“First I'm setting a few rules, okay?”  
Rimmer nodded wearily, he was getting cold and still wasn't feeling well.  
“The only thing a banana is for is eating. And you stop worrying about our relationship. What I want for our anniversary is for you to be happy. I don't care if we never have sex. All I want is you.”  
At that Rimmer sat up straighter, awake again, looking at him in confusion.  
“How can you say that, when I know how much it means to you?”

“Means to me?” Lister spluttered. “Rimmer it’s sex not goddamn _air._ I don’t need it, not when it hurts the one I love. If I ever did I’d use the VR machine, and I don’t think I will. Come on, Arn, we can both do with a cuddle.”  
Rimmer nodded, his shivering cold body crawling under the covers and relaxing into Lister's side. Lister wrapped him in a strong hug, the warmth from his partner was comforting and he slowly felt himself calm down at last.

* * *

Lister snickered after a minute or so. “Blow jobs?” he cropped up. “The book really started with that?”  
The Hologram shuddered for a second.  
“It did. When I tried I just kept freezing, and it felt like I was chocking. Which is weird as I don't need to breath. But ...”  
Lister squeezed his hand. “Never again, okay?”  
Rimmer nodded. He was silent for a bit.  
“I even made a chart.” He then confessed with a shy smile.  
“Smeg! It wasn't an exam, Rimmer!” Lister laughed.  
“It was to me,” Rimmer admitted, “it gave me the same anxiety.”  
  
Lister thought for a moment, then said “What cake do you like?”  
“Why? Planning on another attempt at roast beef?”  
“Just answer the question, ya smeg head.”  
A brief silence.  
  
“Chocolate ganache ...”  
“No Rimmer, that's my favourite. What cake do you like? You?”  
Rimmer considered. It’d been a while since he’d had cake, probably since he’d died. “I… had marzipan cherry cake once. It was wonderful.”  
“When was that Arn? We never had it on the ship that I know of.”  
“The first officers ball I waitered at. It was allowed a slice of leftover afterwards. It was so delicious, I swore that when I'd finally make it as an officer we'd have it all the time.”  
“Wow, that's … that's hundreds of years ago for you. It must have been delicious if you still remember it. I'll get Kryten on it. So, what else do you like?”  
  
“I don't know …”  
“Arnold!”  
“Honestly … I don’t know. I'm used to doing and eating what other people want. I haven't got a clue what _I_ like!”  
“Musicals you like, don't you? That damn one with the French revolution and Russell Crowe right? And cheesy chunky chips, I know you like those.”  
Rimmer smiled and nodded.  
“Good, then the day is sort of settled. We’re watching a musical and we have cheesy chips and marzipan cherry cake.”  
“Could … could we have guacamole too?” Rimmer asked in a tiny voice.  
Lister gently ruffled his hair. “Of course we can you silly man. We could even have it tomorrow if you like.”  
“That would be nice.” Rimmer said, slowly falling asleep. “Wouldn't you miss curry though?”  
Lister didn't even have to think of a reply:  
“No, because I love you more than any curry in the universe.”


End file.
